


Letters To My Love

by svngshinin



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, Fluff, Letter AU, M/M, Oblivious Bang Chan, Sad Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Sad and Happy, Shy Lee Felix (Stray Kids)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:13:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 3,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27328606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/svngshinin/pseuds/svngshinin
Summary: Felix writes letters to his best friend Chan every month, too afraid to give them and ruin everything they’ve built together. Until it’s too late.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix, Bang Chan/Seo Changbin
Comments: 25
Kudos: 139





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be a letter style au so chapters will be pretty short <333

22 august, 2017

dear channie,

we start school today. i can’t wait to see if i have a class with you. i’m really excited to spend the year with you like always. maybe we can study together and stuff? okay you caught me there’s a reason i started writing these. i need some way to get my feelings for you out. i figured my feelings for you over the summer and i just can’t get you out of my head now. it’s hard keeping this from you but hey maybe one day i’ll actually give you these letters. for now they’re safe with me hehe. okay i’ll go now. 

love,  
your lixie


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like this will progress a bit slow haha, hope you like that

15 september, 2017

dear channie,

today happens to be a very very special day. it’s my birthday! you got me a gift and i love it so much but between me and you, you’re the greatest gift of them all. nothing could ever be better than just having you. honestly you’ve always made my birthday better. no one here has really been the nicest to me other than you. i’m really lucky to have you channie hyung. okay okay i’m done for today. 

love,  
your lixie


	3. Chapter 3

3 october, 2017

dear channie,

today is your special day! happy birthday hyung (even though i wish i could call you more). i hope you enjoy the dinner i’m taking you to later. i’m nervous. maybe i’ll have the courage to tell you my feelings. probably not, it’s too early and i don’t know if you even like boys. you accept me though so that’s all i could ask for. you’re really the greatest and i wish i could stop lying to you but it’s so hard. as hard as it is to keep my feelings to myself it’s harder to tell you the truth. i want to tell you so much but it won’t come out. it’s stuck. okay i have to get ready for our dinner now. wish my luck!

love,  
your lixie


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i might start doing double updates on saturdays since i already have this whole book prewritten. hope you’re liking this <3

8 november, 2017

dear channie,

recently my heart has been hurting more. not just from hiding my feelings but in general? i might be homesick but i’m not sure. it’s been hard recently. i feel numb all the time recently but just have this inner sadness? i don’t know maybe it’s just me being a hormonal teen. i hope that’s what it is. i really want to ask you but i don’t know how you’ll react. will you be angry? will you pity me? will you be sad? all these questions keep my up at night while my own thoughts do as well. i’ll be going now, make sure to eat whenever you read this. i noticed you’ve been dieting with you exercises. 

love,  
your lixie


	5. Chapter 5

24 december, 2017

dear channie,

it’s christmas eve today. i’m pretty upset that i can’t go home but it’s alright. i hope you like the gift i got you. i spent a lot of time on it so i really hope you like it. the sadness i talked about in my last letter. it hasn’t gone away. it’s not constant but it just hits and it won’t go away. honestly you’re the only thing keeping me happy these days so i thank you for that. you’re always there when i need you to be. i don’t know what i’d do if i didn’t have you channie hyung. have the most merry christmas you can because you deserve it so much. 

love,  
your lixie


	6. Chapter 6

5 january, 2018

dear channie,

it’s a new year. another year of me probably barely passing classes. you looked so good at the new years party. i wanted to kiss you at midnight but was too scared. especially with everyone there. it’s getting harder to suppress these feelings for you. i forgot how much i hate hiding shit from you until this happened. god it’s getting harder every day. i don’t want to ruin our friendship. it’s too precious to me. i’ll have nobody if i lose you so the only thing i can do is keep what we have and be happy with it. which i am don’t get me wrong but i really want more. ugh i don’t know how to explain. whatever, happy new year channie hyung make it great!

love,  
your lixie


	7. Chapter 7

19 february, 2018

dear channie,

i hope your project is going well. you said you and changbin have been working hard on it. well or as you like to call him ‘binnie’. i’m sure it’ll be amazing since it’s coming from you but i know how you are. don’t stay up too late working or i’ll beat your ass. seriously i will drive myself over there and beat you. you don’t need to overwork yourself. you’re amazing. make sure you’re eating well and getting enough sleep. i mean it. okay hyung, don’t forget i care about you so so much. 

love,  
your lixie


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nice double update <3

25 march, 2018

dear channie,

the sadness has been overbearing these days. it’s gone from being just randomly crying myself to sleep to being upset all the time. i can’t go a day without feeling sad. i talked to mom and she wants to take me to a specialist. i’m really scared. i want to tell you about this but you’ve been so stressed over your project i don’t want to burden you more. maybe i’ll go. i want this sadness to go away. i hope you and changbin have been doing well on your project. 

love,  
your lixie


	9. Chapter 9

5 april, 2018

dear channie,

mom took me to the specialist this morning. we found out i started becoming depressed. they think it’s from the move but i don’t know. maybe it is. mom wants to move back to australia now but i don’t want to. i think that would make me more sad since i wouldn’t have you. i probably should tell you but you were so excited when you called me about getting an a on your project that i couldn’t drop that bomb on you. it’s too much right now. i will tell you soon. ha let’s add that to the things i’m hiding from you. just know you’re one of the things that keep me smiling. 

love,  
your lixie


	10. Chapter 10

27 may, 2018

dear channie,

you’ve been spending a lot more time with changbin. i’m not mad or anything just you seem really close with him. hope he’s not replacing me haha. that was joke. i really miss talking to you everyday though. i hope you’re doing well. i think i’m going to do it soon though. i want to confess but i want it to be right. maybe soon. i need to plan so that it’s special. i need to tell you soon. oh yeah i’m now going to therapy weekly. the person i talk to speaks english so that’s nice. he’s really sweet and always allows me to talk about what i’m feeling. he even listened to me go on a rant about how special you are to me. i hope you’re doing well. 

love,  
your lixie


	11. Chapter 11

5 june, 2018

dear channie,

is this what it feels like to have your heart ripped to pieces? i was going to confess today. i was ready. before i could you told me you’ve developed feelings for changbin. i even gave you fucking advice over how to confess when i couldn’t even do it myself. i’m so dumb. i couldn’t bear to tell you when you smiled at me like the sun after telling me. you’re special to me and i can’t lose you. so i’ll keep these feelings to myself and continue to watch from the side. have the best day. 

love,  
your lixie


	12. Chapter 12

13 july, 2018

dear channie, 

you and changbin. you confessed to changbin today. he accepted your feelings. you’re going out on saturday. god i really should be happy for you. it’s so hard though. i want to cheer for you and be supportive but it’s hard. it’s so hard to push my feelings down but i have to. you’re happy. you’re happier than you’ve ever been. don’t lose that smile. if changbin makes you happy then i can’t help but step aside. on another note my therapy sessions are continuing. they believe that i really do just miss home. i do miss australia but i want to stay with you. i cant leave you. you’re the world to me. you light up my days. you’re the reason i still smile. i hope i’m one of the reasons you smile too. 

love,  
your lixie


	13. Chapter 13

30 august, 2018

dear channie,

you introduced me to changbin today. since tomorrow is your one month you wanted me to finally meet him. i cant lie that he’s terrible when he’s so sweet. the way he makes you smile and treats you so well. i do wish you’d look at me how you look at him. you treat him like he could break at any moment. i wish you could do that for me too. i’m being so selfish by saying this. i need to get ahold of myself but i crave it so much. i want you to look at me like i hung all the stars. you always told me my freckles look like stars so why is it changbin has all the stars when they’re on my face. therapy is eh. i’m starting to get into the deep stuff where i have to talk about anything that makes me upset. i mentioned how happy you make me though. you’ll always make me happy.

love,  
your lixie


	14. Chapter 14

15 september, 2018

dear channie,

i never thought you could make me upset. but you really did do that. you forgot my birthday of all days. you didn’t call or text me. i thought maybe you were going to surprise me but after waiting all day i find out you were just with changbin. i can’t believe you did this too. i never thought you’d do this. i cant stop crying. the thought of you forgetting my birthday was something i never though would be a reality but it is. god i can’t believe it. you’re supposed to be my best friend. you even know how much i look forward to seeing you on my birthday. i really hope it just slipped your mind. okay i’m back i took a few hours to cool off. i’m sorry for getting angry at you. it’s two in the morning and i just got a text from you. you apologized and promised to make it up to me. you didn’t deserve anything i wrote before. it was a simple mistake. everyone makes mistakes. you’re still the greatest best friend. 

love,  
your lixie


	15. Chapter 15

16 october, 2018

dear channie,

i’m so glad we made up. it was really nice to finally talk to you again. even though you talked about changbin a lot it’s okay. i understand that you’re really happy. it still hurts because of how much i like you. it hurts a lot but it’s okay. that’s not your fault. you don’t know because stupid me never told you. you’re still one of the only things to keep me happy. i never want to lose you. update on therapy is that well it kinda is starting to suck. as nice as my therapist is i kinda hate having to talk about my feelings. i don’t know what i’m feeling so how am i supposed to talk about them? it’s hard. everyday gets harder. i sometimes think about giving up but then i remember how i can’t give up when i have you. you’re the greatest. for real. 

love,  
your lixie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for all this love you’ve been giving this! i didn’t know how well this was going to turn out but it makes me really happy that all of you are enjoying! 
> 
> much much love to you <333


	16. Chapter 16

1 november, 2018

dear channie,

we were supposed to hang out today. you forgot you had made plans with changbin so you couldn’t come. it’s okay though. i understand. a lot of things slip your mind easily from how busy you are with school. i won’t hold it against you but you owe me. you know it’s really weird being in love with your best friend who has a boyfriend. also why did you never tell me you like boys? it took a lot for me to tell you and you could never tell me? unless you still aren’t completely sure with yourself or you were scared. i hope you weren’t scared to tell me. i would never feel different about you. maybe i’d be in your arms instead of someone else if you’d told me. i can’t believe how hopeless i am. i cant go over my best friend who i’m madly in love with even though he’s in a relationship with m no someone he adores.

love,  
your lixie


	17. Chapter 17

16 december, 2018

dear channie

you had your first fight with changbin today. you wanted to get drunk to forget. you ended up kissing me. why did you kiss me? you have changbin and you love him. oh yeah cause you thought i was him. even though i wasn’t drunk i just wanted to know what it would be like to have you. we made out. you moaned changbin’s name. i cried. it’s okay though. i should’ve respected your boundaries and not done that. it was so selfish of me. so fucking selfish. i wish i didn’t do dumb things. i wish i wasn’t depressed. i wish i wasn’t in love with my best friend. here we are though. everything happens for some reason. that’s what my therapist tells me anyway. once again i’m so sorry for kissing you back. it’s my fault not yours. 

love,  
your lixie


	18. Chapter 18

2 january, 2019

new year new things right? my therapist told me i should set goals for this year. i’m thinking about trying to get into a good veterinary school. my therapist recommended me to apply to one in australia. i don’t want to go back because i want to be with you. so i just told him i’d think about it. i probably won’t but i’m thinking. it’s alright. i’ll be alright. i’ve been feeling a little less sad recently. probably the meds honestly. it’s been hard faking smiles around you. i keep telling myself that i’ll tell you about this but i can never find myself able to. it’s just hard. i don’t want to ruin your mood ever. you’re always so happy and talking about changbin. i cant ruin that for you. i’ll just keep my problems to myself. as well as my therapist because kinda gotta tell him. have a great new year channie hyung. your resolution should be to never stop smiling. 

love,   
your lixie


	19. Chapter 19

14 february, 2019

dear channie,

i never thought it would hurt so bad to see you in love with someone else. it really does hurt. i cant stop crying. you looked at him with so much love as you asked him to be your valentine. the way you held and kissed him. i want that to be me. why cant that be me? it’s never going to be easy. god you two are so in love. my heart aches. it really aches. i want to be the one you cuddle. i want to be the won’t you kiss. i want to be the one you give special little gifts to. i want to be the one you love. it’ll never be me though. you have changbin. you love him with your entire heart. you need him. you’re so invested in him you really didn’t even notice the tears down my face. you’re with changbin. i’ll never be changbin. 

love,  
your lixie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for the millionth time i just want to thank you all for the kudos and comments! it’s very appreciated by me and makes me smile so much when i see people getting so invested in this story as well as loving it! thank you so much <33


	20. Chapter 20

7 march, 2019

dear channie,

i hope your day is well. you’ve been talking with changbin more recently. you noticed how distant i’ve been. when you confronted me i told you i was home sick. that’s not true. it just hurts seeing how sickeningly in love you are with changbin. it hurts so much. there’s nothing i can do though. i refuse to ruin your happiness. you’re happy so i have to be happy for you. even if it’s all pretend. you’ve just been so happy with him that i can’t help but be jealous. i hate that i’m jealous when i had the chance to confess but i didn’t. it’s all because i’m a coward. i may never tell you how i feel until we’re older and i can laugh about it. right now is definitely not when i can laugh over this. i would probably cry instead of laugh. days are really getting harder. i just keep crying myself to sleep every night. i don’t know what’s causing this pain but it hurts. i’m almost never happy anymore. it’s so hard. i want to give up but i can’t. i need to stay strong. 

love,  
your lixie


	21. Chapter 21

24 april, 2019

i did it. i finally found out what’s been hurting me. i admitted to my therapist about all the pain i’ve been feeling. how i cry at night because of this thing. he understood. he even held me while i cried. we sorted out an idea. i have come to terms with what i need to do. it’ll be hard but i need to do it. it’s not only for me but for you. i don’t want my sadness to be going onto you when you’re so happy. i’m getting the help i need. i have a solution to my problems that will hopefully help. it’ll be very difficult but i know you’ll understand. you always understand. somehow. the thing that’s hurting me won’t be able to hurt me if i do what i have to. i can. now admit to myself what i need to do. this is going to be my first time admitting it completely and finally understanding. you’re what’s hurting me. it’s not you but what you do. everything you do causes me pain. 

love,  
lixie


	22. Chapter 22

30 may, 2019

i’ve began distancing myself from you. it’s what i need to do. i need to get over you to help myself. it will also make the future easier for the both of us. i promise this is for us both. i noticed you’ve been trying to get ahold of me. i’m sorry i ignore you sometimes. i just need to let go. my therapist says it’s for the best. i really trust him. he understands me like no one else. he understands what i’m going through and it’s reassuring that i’m not alone. i hope you don’t hate me. 

love,  
lixie


	23. Chapter 23

18 june, 2019

i got accepted. i got accepted into the college i want to go to. i’m really happy and i’m proud of myself for once. i didn’t think i would make it but i did. i hope you get into seoul’s school of performing arts. you always talked about wanting to go there. i know changbin wants to as well. be happy with him there. i’ll be sure to visit you in college since we won’t be in the same school. obviously since you’re doing music while i’m doing vet school. i’m excited for our future. maybe we can have one with each other in it? i’m still not over you somehow. i really need to let go as i’m only hurting myself. it’s just so hard. i cant get you out of my mind. you’re stuck there, like an addicting song. or even nicotine. that didn’t make much sense actually pretend i didn’t write that. god i wish i didn’t fuck us up like this. we barely talk anymore and it’s all my fault. i had to go and catch feelings like an idiot. have the greatest summer with changbin. 

love,  
lixie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unlock go live in life ended an hour ago ago and i miss them already. cries. they did so well and looked so cute. 
> 
> anyways i hope you’re enjoying this story!! ❤️


	24. Chapter 24

21 july, 2019

dear channie,

today is the day i leave for college. it’s also the day i leave you behind. if you’re reading this then that means you read all the other letters. i’m going to drop these off with your mother before i leave. i’m moving to australia. i got accepted into a really good vet school there where i can peruse my dreams. after you read this please don’t try contacting me with pity or how sorry you are. i already have you blocked on everything. i decided i need to cut what hurts me most out of my life. even though i love you so much, i cant get over you when i see you. it hurts me more than i ever realized so i need to get rid of you. no matter how much it hurts. it was amazing knowing you. just know you really made my life better. i need to go back home though. have a fresh start of life. almost restart. i hope you understand really. you always did. no matter how much it pains me to say this i’m going to anyway. goodbye channie, it was wonderful knowing you. i love you so much ♡

love,  
lee felix


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is more of a bonus/epilogue chapter as it’s years later

21 july, 2025

dear chan,

wow it’s been a while. i’ll start with how have you been? it’s been six years since i cut you out of my life. i’m doing a lot better since then. moving home really helped me. as did cutting you out as much as it hurts to admit. i do miss you a lot. i’m working in a local vet in sydney. it’s wonderful. i noticed you’re doing well as a producer. you have a successful group called 3racha with changbin and another person. don’t tell anyone but he’s kinda cute. your music is amazing as it’s always been. i’m so happy you’ve become successful. oh i forgot to mention i did end up moving on. you remember my therapist? well he ended up moving back to australia as well. we met up about a month back and recently we started dating. his name is mark lee. he’s from canada but moved here for a better job. he treats me like an angel. i’m so thankful for him. he’s helped me in many ways. i’ve been thinking and noticed you have a concert in australia coming up. would you be willing to meet me? i think i’m ready to face you. i want you to meet mark as well as the fact that i just miss you. i already said that haha. it was hard losing you since you were my bestest friend but it was what was for the best. i may have unblocked your number so either text me or write back. you will forever be in my heart as my first love and the person i relied on most. 

sincerely,  
lee felix

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow i can’t believe this book is already finished! i’m so happy that all of you have enjoyed and loved this book as much as you have. it really means the world to me and makes me want to continue writing! 
> 
> thank you so much for reading letters to my love ❤️❤️


End file.
